More than a year later...

Many things have happen for the past year. Most happening thing that happened is my engagement on the 24 April 2010.. Me and Azhar choose this date bcoz we wanna it be special. 22 April is his birthday so its a present for him...

Well thats for now.. For sure, i'll continue blogging...

<3 juworlz <3

one more day to raya. wat do i really feel actually?

i think, i'll missed the time where my family sit n buka/sahur together. the small talks n jokes makes us together. though syawal at times not around, i feel happy when he does. n though if can be sooooo irritating n annoying, i think i'll miss it when one day i need to step out of the house. azhar ever told me he not in habit of wake up for sahur. so i guess this is one of the pointer dat i miss.

i miss atok...Takbir always makes me cry. cry for atok. he would always give duit raya as early as the night of raya. the kisses on my cheek n ask me be a good gerl. the smile on him every time we took foto together on raya. missed that. very very much.. LOVE U ATOK...

i guess thats wat i'll missed. the most...

nothing much for last week. work was a breeze. few admission n cases to sent. maybe due to 7th ghosts mth so chinese ppl believe hospitals are 'jinx' place to be...

last fri me, huda n sya celebrated besties birthday. small one. bought for her clutches. its a beauty. i kinda like it myself. then off to Ramen Ten to break our fast. sya 'bf' came for awhile to break fast with us. then he 'secretly' blanja us. haha! glad she had a good time...

me n azhar like having difficulty communicating nowadays. is so damn hard to talk to him for at least 5mins. the longest conversation? 3mins, i think? i m just so, arrgghh!!! i cnt even ask him a question n the next tink he be angry like i ask him stupid question. for now i cnt even mit him coz he practically be @ his mum place in jb EVERY weekend. how come he can do it last year not this year? nevermind,i act as single till we meet.

coz thats how i felt everyday, my dear..... :(

2nd day of fasting. time flies.

last wed (29/8/09) my grandaunt(nek ngah) passed away. i do feel sad. cried abit when her kids n grandkids cried non stop. felt proud of mama coz she held to clean the body wen the rest feel so down to do anything. looking at her for the last time make me recalled my 2 late grandfathers.

1. Atok Amat (mama side) who passed away in 2005, 5days before Aidilfitri. remembered how i cant controlmy tears. so sad. all crying. my heart breakseeing his mother kissing his forehead n not quite sure wats happening due to dementia. n my grandma who lost a husband for 2nd time(he's my stepgranddad. but we see him as our own granddad).

2. Atok Uban (rama dad). He passed away when i was 14yrs old, in 1997. till this very day, the thought of him make me wanna cry n at times cry! n till now i miss him terribly. i wish he still around to see me n my bro be nurse/policeman. a job that all his life know that, thats our ambition. i strongly believe that he be so proud of both of us. I MISS YOU ATOK UBAN... :'''(

Semoga Allah mencucuri roh ATOK UBAN, ATOK AMAT & NEK NGAH... Amin...

Almost a month of not Blogging. LAZY is my ultimate reason. and this one month theres so many ups n down. hmmmmmm.... where do i start?

but the best is celebration of my bdae. First besties, huda n sya celebrate it with 26pressie with a fireworks as my additional pressie(was a preshow of NDP)


me with the girls



my fav among all 26...


like this the best!


then small celebration by Ayang. nothing special. lunch, first time train ride with me, window shoppin, gifs n dinner. i love it when we both have simplicity in our relationship.


first trip together....



given byhimm


then 8August had BBQ with my colleague. just for fun. n again surprise cake from them..

Fasting will be starting this sat onwards. really looking forward. SERIOUSLY!

wah! very long time didnt update. last wk (10/7/09) bbq celebrate my bro bdae at ecp.

boring days.

yesterday my plan really cockup! i was really at d verge of crying wen my mum force me to jb. not dat i dont wana go but mama know very well i m going out. i've been planning n looking forward the whole week to see him n its been ruin. yes i get to meet him but both of us in totally bad mood. it was a terribleday for me. n him.

seriously, i've dont want to HOPE, BELIEVE & TRUST wateva i plan. EVEN in getting marry,i dont want to. so wat. i dont even bother wateva ppl comment bout me nmore. THEY dont know wats lyk to be ME.

FUCK UP!!!

it's hard to make people understand my boyfriend. esp mama. i know he's fat. i know people wants me to ask him to lose weight. i've been doing that. telling him nicely, BEGGING him. end up who gets the scolding back? ME!!! mama urging me. bf pissing me. damned it! forever i be stuck in the middle.

AND boyfriend always has his own mind & dat people wun understand. so wen ppl thinks his negative side of him, it hurts me coz thats so not true.

Nevertheless, i love him. THAT is for sure...

noe wat? after i post my blog, my bf msg saying 'SAYANG U ALWAYS'. i told u my bf always have this 6th sense wen i'm down. Aaarrrgghhh! how can i not be angry with him? my heart just melt. he told me he will try his level best to bring me to watch TRANSFORMERS! Yeaaahhh! i'm so looking forward to sunday...

guess all my anger & frustration just go away....

muuaaakks!

ok ok. its a very long time i didnt blog. 1 reason? i'm feeling superduper lertargic the whole of last week. its so bz last week that i totally have no time to munch or drink a cup of water! admissions, callbells(y they cnt juz sleep!), patients going senile every single nite n need to pin them down to restrain, & sending 1st cases to OT(i hate sending 1st case coz the trolley tend to come 5min b4 0730!!!)

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whtever it is theres a BIG reason for me to still SMILE. its BONUS week last thurs!!! so happy!! having plans oredi in my head. will update once i accomplish it all.

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ok. y do i kept on keeping wats inside me. i keep on feeling hurt n despair. my parents, becoming more sensative. i REALLY have to watch i'm saying or do. my bro? i dont no wat his thinking at tyms. his EGO is forever bigger than his head! my bf? his weekends is totally in jb. so DAMN hard to talk to him now. when get a chance to talk,he'll be tired or no mood. N I ALSO D ONE WILL HAVE TO WATCH I'M SAYING! i feel like crying everyday. i wanna to shop badly. that also hard. i wanna to please myself for ONCE but end up i'm pleasing others. i told my bf that i wanna watch TRNSFORMERS n he told me see 1st. watseh!

i feeling damn shitty n stupid n dumb n idiot.

y am i complaing? m i always a complain bitch?

5th Year Anniversary

today we are celebrating our 5th year. time really fly dat fast. every year i still remember vividly how we met,date n fall in love. n along the years, how we fight, hate, scold each other n still love. it just sometime amazed me that i always love him no matter what. he always there for me. he always just know when i feel angry or sad. he would just give me call n ask how m i. its just he has this strong 6th sense of me. i'm not sure if this is a sign we meant to be.

i love you and only you. i know, u love me and only me.

Diana's Wedding

Just went to my colleague's wedding. She looked beautiul in her white wedding gown. n Fazrul(her hubby), looked sunningly handsome.

looking at them on the dias, i wonder when's my turn. i know all weddings are diffirent. but, i believe, all girls have their own fairy tale wedding. i want a very simple but memorable wedding. a wedding dat will make me smile even when i grow old. a wedding dat makes me think that AZHAR is the one and only man in my heart.

but whatever it is, i'm still waiting for his proposal. patiently.

for now,i'm counting the hours....

date(14/6/09)

had 3 weddings invitation actually. but went for 2only. also,had a shitty start wen mtg ayang. until now,

i still had to do the same old stupid routine before mtg ayang. i need to watch my words not to make him angry. sometimes i just wonder ever he understand what i'm going thru @ home? is like i'm always the ONE to please ppl i love. y i'm always be the ONE to bear their hurtfull words. n y i always be the ONE to say SORRY when i know exectly i'm not in the wrong? i've been crying alone most of the time. WHATEVER! i don't bloody care how i feel nmore.

back to my story. ya, had a shitty start. but he make me smile at the end of our date. as usual. he bought me a sunglasses for my driving. its burburry. my fav. BUT is just a cheap one. BUT i don't really care. his toughts really matter to me. he knows i have a very sensative eyes. cant get to much sun to my eyes. LOVE YOU AYANG. well after the weddings we went 'sightseeing'. then head home.

our 5TH YR ANNIVERSARY coming... just want something FROM him n i just wanna do something FOR him..

love you ayang!

Outing wif Buddies(13/6/09)

went out with my buddies. for once all 5turn up! though its just 4 few hours, we had fun. we talked, joke & laughed. as usual we will ALWAYS take pics.n BCOZ of ashik, our face will be thick coz he will insist of taking pic in the precence of people!


went toBEN & JERRY



see how the cow "blend" in with us?




2 lovely ladies that i tressure the most!



look @ ashik mouth. hilang VOUGE!



Prasan cerita HEROES


Enjoyed every min with them. love u peeps!

looking forward

this weeknight was terrible. each week getting busier n busier. i dont know if i can tahan till end of the year working perm night. if not bcoz of $$ i wouldnt want to werk perm night. is like 85% of my social life is been taken away. having weekend off is not as wonderful as what most ppl would think. when weekend comes, i HAVE to adjust my sleep like normal ppl. sometimes i feel so tired n sleepy in d day but wide as an owl at night. some ppl just dont get it. i ALWAYS try my level best. i HAVE to drink coffee 2x on sat n sun if i'm going out just to make myself awake. but my body will feel very lethargic.

today i'l meeting my buddies. and all 5 will be there! for surelots of new story from each one of us. so excited.....!

and tomorrow,3 weddings. 1sec sch frn, 1 ite frn n 1 ex colleague(shes working in another ward now). but the most exciting one is going for my sec sch frn's wedding. coz MOST of my ex schmate will be there! secsch is the most trasured moments ofmy teenage life. so each one of them has an impact in me, either small or big. so meeting them tomorrow is as exciting as we were in sch time. lots of changes for sure.

till then..

rainbow

look at theabove pic. its black and white that you'll see. but then again, stare at it closely, i've coloured the rainbow. yes, the above pic symbolised what i feel most of the time, nowadays. gloomy always but i also try to find a rainbow in me. and also with the help of bestie n boyfriend, they slowly make me shine to myself back. the hiccup that i had more than a month ago taught me always be strong. and i always believe Allah will always test us to our utmost ability. HE will never test us when HE knows we can't do it. so when a test is being tested, apart of trying to solve it, we MUST turn to HIM for directions and posible of solving with the guide of HIM.

ALLAH IS THE GREATEST...!

one week later..Again...

this week's night,we start off converting our room 11,which is a female room, to a male room. n guess wat? once we converted, admission comes w/o stopping! i felt like n idiot doing d orientation from bed 1 to bed 5,repeating the same old words. then we pushed 2 patient out to our nurses' counter. 1 was noisy n the other is confused. then one patient of HB of 5.8 in need to transfuse blood urgently.

ok,that was 1st night,

2nd night,transfuse blood again!

3rd night, transfuse FFP & blood!

last night, a 106year old confused Ah Kong! n he pulled out his urine catheter which causing some blood to spatter @ him. we pushed him to the nurses' counter.

well,wat a week,full of confused patient n transfusing of blood. but at least it kept me going n not sleepy. i do enjoy when i bz. makes me think n always improve my skill & knowledge.

wonder what awaits for me next week...<3

Backdates

i know i know. been a week didnt update. lots stuff happening to me this 1week. but for a start wat hapen exectly a week ago.

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last sunday met with ayang whole family from his mum side. including some from indonesia. they were friendly n nice. i admit i was quiet most of the time. but they were so comforting till i felt so touched, feels so ACCEPTED....
after that me n ayang went for dinner n off we go somewhere quiet. when alone with him,i suddenly had this urge to hug him. he stroked my head n hug me like he never wanna let me go.
n i just cry.i cry n cry like a big baby. he was totally shocked. wen i slowed down, i talked. i pour EVERYTHING n i mean it, EVERYTHING thats been bottled up in my heart all these while. and for once he LISTENED. Listen to every word i'm saying. after i finished(which really took sometime) he looked at me n just wipe my tears n kissed me. God knows how suddenly i can feel all my worries, troubles, disappointment just been lifted from shoulder. thats exactly how, i think, i need the most at the moment. he told me he was so sorry. he felt helpless when he can help me. but he understood y i need him to just listen. n guess what, he noticed my pimples!! so embarrassing!! after all that (n others), we went home.

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on fri i had my journal presentation with my group. Stress management was the topic. it was totally what i m going thru at this very moment. the symptoms, feeling of abandoned n isolated. eating alot n eating chocolate was one of the factors. no wonder i've been putting on weight!

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guess thats all for now. like i said, i feeling better. smile more. ayang happy to c me smilling back again, i think so...

cable car

I belive my feelings and emotions are weee bit better. But still i miss smiling after putting down the fon with ayang. Yup hoping but wont force. He has his own problem. So just support him wateve i could.

Suddenly, i have the urge to ride the cable car. But i'm scare of height. if i tell ayang, he will just dare me and end up i will definately refuse. well,let just say i ALREADY refuse it NOW! hahaha!!!

And this sun? hope all goes well....




Happy 59th month sayang

Crazy

I cnt sleep again. 3rd mon in a row!!!

Like i said. I better off telling my problem to my blog. Or can i say my scandal. Hahaha...

Janji seorang anak

A CHILD'S PROMISE.
that's wat it means. Right after i reached home yesterday,mama already watching this drama. its about this child promises his mother that their family will be better off once he finishes his studies from the university. but while he was away,his promises all died and he lied to his girlfrn that his mom is dead when he was small. he married her w/o his family know. how can any child did all these to his family, more likely to his own mother who has high hopes on him? in the end he died in a very shameful way. his body turn very smelly and maggots were seen coming out from his sudden rotten feets and mouth. its grossed,yes. but its away of ALLAH telling us that we sholdnt be rude or making our mom s angry.
to us,Muslims, we believe no matter who we children, esp. sons must be loyal and give our utmost respect to our parents,with priority to moms as they had to go thru hard time carrying us during pregnancy,sacrifice their live giving birth to us and caring and discipline us while growing up.
the sentence that out PROPHET MUHAMMAD ever told us is HEAVEN IS BENEATH OUR MOTHER'S FEET. that means our road to heaven is through our loyalty,caring,love and respect to our mothers. ALLAH will be angry if we make our mother sad or cry. ALLAH will happy when we make our mothers happy or smile.
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Yesterday me,besties n her lessie( hehehe tats wat she called shasha) went to IKEA. frankly speaking i was so lazy. but wen i met them my tiredness just go. had a great time. we bought mama small stool and pillow to elevate her feet which now became swollen. then off to TM. went to eat sushi that goes rond the belt. its my first and their 2nd time. was fun. blanja them coz they really make my day, then went small shopping. bought dress and a cardigan. spent alot. so i think i am left with less than a week to payday. but its ok. its kind of reliving my stress level too. hahaha!

Thx gerls for making my day....
now i'm alone again.