Backdates

i know i know. been a week didnt update. lots stuff happening to me this 1week. but for a start wat hapen exectly a week ago.

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last sunday met with ayang whole family from his mum side. including some from indonesia. they were friendly n nice. i admit i was quiet most of the time. but they were so comforting till i felt so touched, feels so ACCEPTED....
after that me n ayang went for dinner n off we go somewhere quiet. when alone with him,i suddenly had this urge to hug him. he stroked my head n hug me like he never wanna let me go.
n i just cry.i cry n cry like a big baby. he was totally shocked. wen i slowed down, i talked. i pour EVERYTHING n i mean it, EVERYTHING thats been bottled up in my heart all these while. and for once he LISTENED. Listen to every word i'm saying. after i finished(which really took sometime) he looked at me n just wipe my tears n kissed me. God knows how suddenly i can feel all my worries, troubles, disappointment just been lifted from shoulder. thats exactly how, i think, i need the most at the moment. he told me he was so sorry. he felt helpless when he can help me. but he understood y i need him to just listen. n guess what, he noticed my pimples!! so embarrassing!! after all that (n others), we went home.

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on fri i had my journal presentation with my group. Stress management was the topic. it was totally what i m going thru at this very moment. the symptoms, feeling of abandoned n isolated. eating alot n eating chocolate was one of the factors. no wonder i've been putting on weight!

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guess thats all for now. like i said, i feeling better. smile more. ayang happy to c me smilling back again, i think so...

cable car

I belive my feelings and emotions are weee bit better. But still i miss smiling after putting down the fon with ayang. Yup hoping but wont force. He has his own problem. So just support him wateve i could.

Suddenly, i have the urge to ride the cable car. But i'm scare of height. if i tell ayang, he will just dare me and end up i will definately refuse. well,let just say i ALREADY refuse it NOW! hahaha!!!

And this sun? hope all goes well....




Happy 59th month sayang

Crazy

I cnt sleep again. 3rd mon in a row!!!

Like i said. I better off telling my problem to my blog. Or can i say my scandal. Hahaha...

Janji seorang anak

A CHILD'S PROMISE.
that's wat it means. Right after i reached home yesterday,mama already watching this drama. its about this child promises his mother that their family will be better off once he finishes his studies from the university. but while he was away,his promises all died and he lied to his girlfrn that his mom is dead when he was small. he married her w/o his family know. how can any child did all these to his family, more likely to his own mother who has high hopes on him? in the end he died in a very shameful way. his body turn very smelly and maggots were seen coming out from his sudden rotten feets and mouth. its grossed,yes. but its away of ALLAH telling us that we sholdnt be rude or making our mom s angry.
to us,Muslims, we believe no matter who we children, esp. sons must be loyal and give our utmost respect to our parents,with priority to moms as they had to go thru hard time carrying us during pregnancy,sacrifice their live giving birth to us and caring and discipline us while growing up.
the sentence that out PROPHET MUHAMMAD ever told us is HEAVEN IS BENEATH OUR MOTHER'S FEET. that means our road to heaven is through our loyalty,caring,love and respect to our mothers. ALLAH will be angry if we make our mother sad or cry. ALLAH will happy when we make our mothers happy or smile.
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Yesterday me,besties n her lessie( hehehe tats wat she called shasha) went to IKEA. frankly speaking i was so lazy. but wen i met them my tiredness just go. had a great time. we bought mama small stool and pillow to elevate her feet which now became swollen. then off to TM. went to eat sushi that goes rond the belt. its my first and their 2nd time. was fun. blanja them coz they really make my day, then went small shopping. bought dress and a cardigan. spent alot. so i think i am left with less than a week to payday. but its ok. its kind of reliving my stress level too. hahaha!

Thx gerls for making my day....
now i'm alone again.

Just want you to know, i need u. i need you to be hear right now. But you are always tired and I understand that. I understand everything thats happening to you and your life.



But right this very moment I need you. To just listen. Listen my heart out. But again, I know fully, tht you will think by just listening you cant help me.



So might as well I keep quiet. And continue typing in this blog.



I LOVE YOU....

HUGS please!!!!

I cnt sleep. Just an hour ago i felt very sleepy. But now, not nemore.

I've been thinking lots. My state ryt now, my future. ppl see me as a happy go lucky person. Jokes n smile always. But lately, i've been keeping tings to myself. I felt dat others round me have their own probs so y must i bother them with mine? (my bf will blow the top wen he found out this.) I felt secure pouring my feelings here. Y i'm lyk this nowadays? I felt that i becoming a boring person.

When my friends msgs me, it took hours or even the next day for me to respond. Is like i don't even borther anymore. I feel lazy all the time. My off days are now practically at home, eithet lazy to go out or i not allowed to but its always the 2nd one. 4 things dat dat i would do: do chaos, eat(dats y i've been putting on weight), eat chocolates(4 my stress) & sleep(like always i still feel tired upon waking up).

Do i need to see a psychiatrist?


At this very moment, all i want so much is, a BIG, LONG HUG from my dearest. Cos everytime he did dat i feels so relax & so safe.

SWINE

Its been weeks since the stupid swine flu is on. Ppl juz go ga-ga over it. Frankly speaking us, medical care ppl, take it as opportunity. Why? Coz there's lesser visitors n patients admited! Love it lots. Haha! Nway, below pics r taken almost 2week ago. Then we step down to wearing surgical mask, thank god! Its so suffocating wearing N95. Most probly by this monday wont need any mask on. So, Pray hard!!!



Me posing with the N95 mask



Me & Rihanah Bee posing with another type of mask, Drager, which much2 better

On Guard

Tot of going out tomorrow. But isnt allowed to. Y i cnt. Syawal can but not me. Coz i need to 'on guard" in case anyone come to my house.

I felt i'm so grounded.



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i'm tired

i'm having migraine for the past week. More likely since mama op. I'm so dead tired. My sleep never a deep one. Is like i need to be always cautious during sleep. I've been sleeping in the living rm after werk. Like i say its nt deep though i woke up bit late, there's always these sharp pain on my right temple. I've becoming hot tempered towards all around me except whoever staying under one roof as me. Is like i bottled it at home n burst it outside my home. Anyone gets my way will be the "scape goat". My WONDERRFUL brother isnt any help at all. My parents so depending on me like i'm their only child.

Not that i dont like to help mama or complaining to anyone. I love my parents n syawal very much. How much they hurt my feelings till i tear. I LOVE THEM. But i always pray syawal will help some bits at home. Gain my parents trust again. I'm not alone. What if i'm married n they dont trust him? I'll have my own new commitment. Sometime i'm just thinking twice bout getting married.

I'm just typing my hearts out coz i noe other ppl has his/her problem to listen to mine.

Independent woman

She's 75% on her own. Go to toilet, shower, prayers, walking around the house. Just feels glad that all are over.

On 1st day Ayang came. Happy seeing him. He's tired but he sacrifised to come all the way to visit mama.

2nd day my besties cusin cme with her parents too.

3rd day, nenek,nek hawa & cik sani came. Ama, syawals on-off GF came too. the Nek Pah,cik Fauziah, Cik Farouk & thier kids,Sharidah & Qistina. In evening, Cik Jas & Bik Eda.

4th day, My future mother-in-law came. Peed too. Then Ayang came to surprise me.

And yesterday, most of my relatives came. cik Kamis & family, Mama Eda & family, & Kak yanti with family. I'm happy n touched by their sincerity n consern towards mama. Thank you n i will listen to all advice to look after mama well...


The 27 staples


all "kusyuk" watching horror movie


see mama eda's face


Afkar & niece shahirah


with bestis cuzin



For all who have support me & my family, thru words of encouragements & prayers, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

She's walking!!!

The epidural was off on the 2nd day in the noon. By evening mama in great pain. Paterdine was given. Subside a bit but pain still there. But she still can tolerate the pain.

On 3rd day she's walking! So happy!!!

4th day, she walks to the toilet to have her shower. The funny part when she walks back, the nurse jokingly asked if anyone gave her a towel or not. 'Cos she's sweating so much!!!!! hehehe.....

5th day, mama supposedly can go home, as what her consultant,Dr Chia SL, said. but she vomitting away so need to keep her for another day...

6th day, mama was packing away waiting to go home. I can just see in her face & eyes.....

With the rain still pouring, mama said, "Alhamdullilah. Harap2 hujan ini bawak rahmat buat mama untuk sembuh." Amin.....


After epidural was off


Ted stockings


Dressing was done

Mama op day (23 May 09')

Her op went fine. I'm proud of her. So much so dat i wanna cry. But of course, i keep it to myself. She able to turn when i wanna gave the bedpan & change her bedsheet. all this were done few hours after the op. I knew she's a strong woman! Love u mama!


Posing b4 the op



Still have the time to smile....


After the op...


Her bandage legs...