one more day to raya. wat do i really feel actually?

i think, i'll missed the time where my family sit n buka/sahur together. the small talks n jokes makes us together. though syawal at times not around, i feel happy when he does. n though if can be sooooo irritating n annoying, i think i'll miss it when one day i need to step out of the house. azhar ever told me he not in habit of wake up for sahur. so i guess this is one of the pointer dat i miss.

i miss atok...Takbir always makes me cry. cry for atok. he would always give duit raya as early as the night of raya. the kisses on my cheek n ask me be a good gerl. the smile on him every time we took foto together on raya. missed that. very very much.. LOVE U ATOK...

i guess thats wat i'll missed. the most...

nothing much for last week. work was a breeze. few admission n cases to sent. maybe due to 7th ghosts mth so chinese ppl believe hospitals are 'jinx' place to be...

last fri me, huda n sya celebrated besties birthday. small one. bought for her clutches. its a beauty. i kinda like it myself. then off to Ramen Ten to break our fast. sya 'bf' came for awhile to break fast with us. then he 'secretly' blanja us. haha! glad she had a good time...

me n azhar like having difficulty communicating nowadays. is so damn hard to talk to him for at least 5mins. the longest conversation? 3mins, i think? i m just so, arrgghh!!! i cnt even ask him a question n the next tink he be angry like i ask him stupid question. for now i cnt even mit him coz he practically be @ his mum place in jb EVERY weekend. how come he can do it last year not this year? nevermind,i act as single till we meet.

coz thats how i felt everyday, my dear..... :(

2nd day of fasting. time flies.

last wed (29/8/09) my grandaunt(nek ngah) passed away. i do feel sad. cried abit when her kids n grandkids cried non stop. felt proud of mama coz she held to clean the body wen the rest feel so down to do anything. looking at her for the last time make me recalled my 2 late grandfathers.

1. Atok Amat (mama side) who passed away in 2005, 5days before Aidilfitri. remembered how i cant controlmy tears. so sad. all crying. my heart breakseeing his mother kissing his forehead n not quite sure wats happening due to dementia. n my grandma who lost a husband for 2nd time(he's my stepgranddad. but we see him as our own granddad).

2. Atok Uban (rama dad). He passed away when i was 14yrs old, in 1997. till this very day, the thought of him make me wanna cry n at times cry! n till now i miss him terribly. i wish he still around to see me n my bro be nurse/policeman. a job that all his life know that, thats our ambition. i strongly believe that he be so proud of both of us. I MISS YOU ATOK UBAN... :'''(

Semoga Allah mencucuri roh ATOK UBAN, ATOK AMAT & NEK NGAH... Amin...

Almost a month of not Blogging. LAZY is my ultimate reason. and this one month theres so many ups n down. hmmmmmm.... where do i start?

but the best is celebration of my bdae. First besties, huda n sya celebrate it with 26pressie with a fireworks as my additional pressie(was a preshow of NDP)


me with the girls



my fav among all 26...


like this the best!


then small celebration by Ayang. nothing special. lunch, first time train ride with me, window shoppin, gifs n dinner. i love it when we both have simplicity in our relationship.


first trip together....



given byhimm


then 8August had BBQ with my colleague. just for fun. n again surprise cake from them..

Fasting will be starting this sat onwards. really looking forward. SERIOUSLY!

wah! very long time didnt update. last wk (10/7/09) bbq celebrate my bro bdae at ecp.

boring days.

yesterday my plan really cockup! i was really at d verge of crying wen my mum force me to jb. not dat i dont wana go but mama know very well i m going out. i've been planning n looking forward the whole week to see him n its been ruin. yes i get to meet him but both of us in totally bad mood. it was a terribleday for me. n him.

seriously, i've dont want to HOPE, BELIEVE & TRUST wateva i plan. EVEN in getting marry,i dont want to. so wat. i dont even bother wateva ppl comment bout me nmore. THEY dont know wats lyk to be ME.

FUCK UP!!!

it's hard to make people understand my boyfriend. esp mama. i know he's fat. i know people wants me to ask him to lose weight. i've been doing that. telling him nicely, BEGGING him. end up who gets the scolding back? ME!!! mama urging me. bf pissing me. damned it! forever i be stuck in the middle.

AND boyfriend always has his own mind & dat people wun understand. so wen ppl thinks his negative side of him, it hurts me coz thats so not true.

Nevertheless, i love him. THAT is for sure...

noe wat? after i post my blog, my bf msg saying 'SAYANG U ALWAYS'. i told u my bf always have this 6th sense wen i'm down. Aaarrrgghhh! how can i not be angry with him? my heart just melt. he told me he will try his level best to bring me to watch TRANSFORMERS! Yeaaahhh! i'm so looking forward to sunday...

guess all my anger & frustration just go away....

muuaaakks!

ok ok. its a very long time i didnt blog. 1 reason? i'm feeling superduper lertargic the whole of last week. its so bz last week that i totally have no time to munch or drink a cup of water! admissions, callbells(y they cnt juz sleep!), patients going senile every single nite n need to pin them down to restrain, & sending 1st cases to OT(i hate sending 1st case coz the trolley tend to come 5min b4 0730!!!)

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whtever it is theres a BIG reason for me to still SMILE. its BONUS week last thurs!!! so happy!! having plans oredi in my head. will update once i accomplish it all.

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ok. y do i kept on keeping wats inside me. i keep on feeling hurt n despair. my parents, becoming more sensative. i REALLY have to watch i'm saying or do. my bro? i dont no wat his thinking at tyms. his EGO is forever bigger than his head! my bf? his weekends is totally in jb. so DAMN hard to talk to him now. when get a chance to talk,he'll be tired or no mood. N I ALSO D ONE WILL HAVE TO WATCH I'M SAYING! i feel like crying everyday. i wanna to shop badly. that also hard. i wanna to please myself for ONCE but end up i'm pleasing others. i told my bf that i wanna watch TRNSFORMERS n he told me see 1st. watseh!

i feeling damn shitty n stupid n dumb n idiot.

y am i complaing? m i always a complain bitch?

5th Year Anniversary

today we are celebrating our 5th year. time really fly dat fast. every year i still remember vividly how we met,date n fall in love. n along the years, how we fight, hate, scold each other n still love. it just sometime amazed me that i always love him no matter what. he always there for me. he always just know when i feel angry or sad. he would just give me call n ask how m i. its just he has this strong 6th sense of me. i'm not sure if this is a sign we meant to be.

i love you and only you. i know, u love me and only me.

Diana's Wedding

Just went to my colleague's wedding. She looked beautiul in her white wedding gown. n Fazrul(her hubby), looked sunningly handsome.

looking at them on the dias, i wonder when's my turn. i know all weddings are diffirent. but, i believe, all girls have their own fairy tale wedding. i want a very simple but memorable wedding. a wedding dat will make me smile even when i grow old. a wedding dat makes me think that AZHAR is the one and only man in my heart.

but whatever it is, i'm still waiting for his proposal. patiently.

for now,i'm counting the hours....

date(14/6/09)

had 3 weddings invitation actually. but went for 2only. also,had a shitty start wen mtg ayang. until now,

i still had to do the same old stupid routine before mtg ayang. i need to watch my words not to make him angry. sometimes i just wonder ever he understand what i'm going thru @ home? is like i'm always the ONE to please ppl i love. y i'm always be the ONE to bear their hurtfull words. n y i always be the ONE to say SORRY when i know exectly i'm not in the wrong? i've been crying alone most of the time. WHATEVER! i don't bloody care how i feel nmore.

back to my story. ya, had a shitty start. but he make me smile at the end of our date. as usual. he bought me a sunglasses for my driving. its burburry. my fav. BUT is just a cheap one. BUT i don't really care. his toughts really matter to me. he knows i have a very sensative eyes. cant get to much sun to my eyes. LOVE YOU AYANG. well after the weddings we went 'sightseeing'. then head home.

our 5TH YR ANNIVERSARY coming... just want something FROM him n i just wanna do something FOR him..

love you ayang!

Outing wif Buddies(13/6/09)

went out with my buddies. for once all 5turn up! though its just 4 few hours, we had fun. we talked, joke & laughed. as usual we will ALWAYS take pics.n BCOZ of ashik, our face will be thick coz he will insist of taking pic in the precence of people!


went toBEN & JERRY



see how the cow "blend" in with us?




2 lovely ladies that i tressure the most!



look @ ashik mouth. hilang VOUGE!



Prasan cerita HEROES


Enjoyed every min with them. love u peeps!

looking forward

this weeknight was terrible. each week getting busier n busier. i dont know if i can tahan till end of the year working perm night. if not bcoz of $$ i wouldnt want to werk perm night. is like 85% of my social life is been taken away. having weekend off is not as wonderful as what most ppl would think. when weekend comes, i HAVE to adjust my sleep like normal ppl. sometimes i feel so tired n sleepy in d day but wide as an owl at night. some ppl just dont get it. i ALWAYS try my level best. i HAVE to drink coffee 2x on sat n sun if i'm going out just to make myself awake. but my body will feel very lethargic.

today i'l meeting my buddies. and all 5 will be there! for surelots of new story from each one of us. so excited.....!

and tomorrow,3 weddings. 1sec sch frn, 1 ite frn n 1 ex colleague(shes working in another ward now). but the most exciting one is going for my sec sch frn's wedding. coz MOST of my ex schmate will be there! secsch is the most trasured moments ofmy teenage life. so each one of them has an impact in me, either small or big. so meeting them tomorrow is as exciting as we were in sch time. lots of changes for sure.

till then..

rainbow

look at theabove pic. its black and white that you'll see. but then again, stare at it closely, i've coloured the rainbow. yes, the above pic symbolised what i feel most of the time, nowadays. gloomy always but i also try to find a rainbow in me. and also with the help of bestie n boyfriend, they slowly make me shine to myself back. the hiccup that i had more than a month ago taught me always be strong. and i always believe Allah will always test us to our utmost ability. HE will never test us when HE knows we can't do it. so when a test is being tested, apart of trying to solve it, we MUST turn to HIM for directions and posible of solving with the guide of HIM.

ALLAH IS THE GREATEST...!

one week later..Again...

this week's night,we start off converting our room 11,which is a female room, to a male room. n guess wat? once we converted, admission comes w/o stopping! i felt like n idiot doing d orientation from bed 1 to bed 5,repeating the same old words. then we pushed 2 patient out to our nurses' counter. 1 was noisy n the other is confused. then one patient of HB of 5.8 in need to transfuse blood urgently.

ok,that was 1st night,

2nd night,transfuse blood again!

3rd night, transfuse FFP & blood!

last night, a 106year old confused Ah Kong! n he pulled out his urine catheter which causing some blood to spatter @ him. we pushed him to the nurses' counter.

well,wat a week,full of confused patient n transfusing of blood. but at least it kept me going n not sleepy. i do enjoy when i bz. makes me think n always improve my skill & knowledge.

wonder what awaits for me next week...<3

Backdates

i know i know. been a week didnt update. lots stuff happening to me this 1week. but for a start wat hapen exectly a week ago.

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last sunday met with ayang whole family from his mum side. including some from indonesia. they were friendly n nice. i admit i was quiet most of the time. but they were so comforting till i felt so touched, feels so ACCEPTED....
after that me n ayang went for dinner n off we go somewhere quiet. when alone with him,i suddenly had this urge to hug him. he stroked my head n hug me like he never wanna let me go.
n i just cry.i cry n cry like a big baby. he was totally shocked. wen i slowed down, i talked. i pour EVERYTHING n i mean it, EVERYTHING thats been bottled up in my heart all these while. and for once he LISTENED. Listen to every word i'm saying. after i finished(which really took sometime) he looked at me n just wipe my tears n kissed me. God knows how suddenly i can feel all my worries, troubles, disappointment just been lifted from shoulder. thats exactly how, i think, i need the most at the moment. he told me he was so sorry. he felt helpless when he can help me. but he understood y i need him to just listen. n guess what, he noticed my pimples!! so embarrassing!! after all that (n others), we went home.

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on fri i had my journal presentation with my group. Stress management was the topic. it was totally what i m going thru at this very moment. the symptoms, feeling of abandoned n isolated. eating alot n eating chocolate was one of the factors. no wonder i've been putting on weight!

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guess thats all for now. like i said, i feeling better. smile more. ayang happy to c me smilling back again, i think so...

cable car

I belive my feelings and emotions are weee bit better. But still i miss smiling after putting down the fon with ayang. Yup hoping but wont force. He has his own problem. So just support him wateve i could.

Suddenly, i have the urge to ride the cable car. But i'm scare of height. if i tell ayang, he will just dare me and end up i will definately refuse. well,let just say i ALREADY refuse it NOW! hahaha!!!

And this sun? hope all goes well....




Happy 59th month sayang

Crazy

I cnt sleep again. 3rd mon in a row!!!

Like i said. I better off telling my problem to my blog. Or can i say my scandal. Hahaha...

Janji seorang anak

A CHILD'S PROMISE.
that's wat it means. Right after i reached home yesterday,mama already watching this drama. its about this child promises his mother that their family will be better off once he finishes his studies from the university. but while he was away,his promises all died and he lied to his girlfrn that his mom is dead when he was small. he married her w/o his family know. how can any child did all these to his family, more likely to his own mother who has high hopes on him? in the end he died in a very shameful way. his body turn very smelly and maggots were seen coming out from his sudden rotten feets and mouth. its grossed,yes. but its away of ALLAH telling us that we sholdnt be rude or making our mom s angry.
to us,Muslims, we believe no matter who we children, esp. sons must be loyal and give our utmost respect to our parents,with priority to moms as they had to go thru hard time carrying us during pregnancy,sacrifice their live giving birth to us and caring and discipline us while growing up.
the sentence that out PROPHET MUHAMMAD ever told us is HEAVEN IS BENEATH OUR MOTHER'S FEET. that means our road to heaven is through our loyalty,caring,love and respect to our mothers. ALLAH will be angry if we make our mother sad or cry. ALLAH will happy when we make our mothers happy or smile.
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Yesterday me,besties n her lessie( hehehe tats wat she called shasha) went to IKEA. frankly speaking i was so lazy. but wen i met them my tiredness just go. had a great time. we bought mama small stool and pillow to elevate her feet which now became swollen. then off to TM. went to eat sushi that goes rond the belt. its my first and their 2nd time. was fun. blanja them coz they really make my day, then went small shopping. bought dress and a cardigan. spent alot. so i think i am left with less than a week to payday. but its ok. its kind of reliving my stress level too. hahaha!

Thx gerls for making my day....
now i'm alone again.

Just want you to know, i need u. i need you to be hear right now. But you are always tired and I understand that. I understand everything thats happening to you and your life.



But right this very moment I need you. To just listen. Listen my heart out. But again, I know fully, tht you will think by just listening you cant help me.



So might as well I keep quiet. And continue typing in this blog.



I LOVE YOU....

HUGS please!!!!

I cnt sleep. Just an hour ago i felt very sleepy. But now, not nemore.

I've been thinking lots. My state ryt now, my future. ppl see me as a happy go lucky person. Jokes n smile always. But lately, i've been keeping tings to myself. I felt dat others round me have their own probs so y must i bother them with mine? (my bf will blow the top wen he found out this.) I felt secure pouring my feelings here. Y i'm lyk this nowadays? I felt that i becoming a boring person.

When my friends msgs me, it took hours or even the next day for me to respond. Is like i don't even borther anymore. I feel lazy all the time. My off days are now practically at home, eithet lazy to go out or i not allowed to but its always the 2nd one. 4 things dat dat i would do: do chaos, eat(dats y i've been putting on weight), eat chocolates(4 my stress) & sleep(like always i still feel tired upon waking up).

Do i need to see a psychiatrist?


At this very moment, all i want so much is, a BIG, LONG HUG from my dearest. Cos everytime he did dat i feels so relax & so safe.

SWINE

Its been weeks since the stupid swine flu is on. Ppl juz go ga-ga over it. Frankly speaking us, medical care ppl, take it as opportunity. Why? Coz there's lesser visitors n patients admited! Love it lots. Haha! Nway, below pics r taken almost 2week ago. Then we step down to wearing surgical mask, thank god! Its so suffocating wearing N95. Most probly by this monday wont need any mask on. So, Pray hard!!!



Me posing with the N95 mask



Me & Rihanah Bee posing with another type of mask, Drager, which much2 better

On Guard

Tot of going out tomorrow. But isnt allowed to. Y i cnt. Syawal can but not me. Coz i need to 'on guard" in case anyone come to my house.

I felt i'm so grounded.



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i'm tired

i'm having migraine for the past week. More likely since mama op. I'm so dead tired. My sleep never a deep one. Is like i need to be always cautious during sleep. I've been sleeping in the living rm after werk. Like i say its nt deep though i woke up bit late, there's always these sharp pain on my right temple. I've becoming hot tempered towards all around me except whoever staying under one roof as me. Is like i bottled it at home n burst it outside my home. Anyone gets my way will be the "scape goat". My WONDERRFUL brother isnt any help at all. My parents so depending on me like i'm their only child.

Not that i dont like to help mama or complaining to anyone. I love my parents n syawal very much. How much they hurt my feelings till i tear. I LOVE THEM. But i always pray syawal will help some bits at home. Gain my parents trust again. I'm not alone. What if i'm married n they dont trust him? I'll have my own new commitment. Sometime i'm just thinking twice bout getting married.

I'm just typing my hearts out coz i noe other ppl has his/her problem to listen to mine.

Independent woman

She's 75% on her own. Go to toilet, shower, prayers, walking around the house. Just feels glad that all are over.

On 1st day Ayang came. Happy seeing him. He's tired but he sacrifised to come all the way to visit mama.

2nd day my besties cusin cme with her parents too.

3rd day, nenek,nek hawa & cik sani came. Ama, syawals on-off GF came too. the Nek Pah,cik Fauziah, Cik Farouk & thier kids,Sharidah & Qistina. In evening, Cik Jas & Bik Eda.

4th day, My future mother-in-law came. Peed too. Then Ayang came to surprise me.

And yesterday, most of my relatives came. cik Kamis & family, Mama Eda & family, & Kak yanti with family. I'm happy n touched by their sincerity n consern towards mama. Thank you n i will listen to all advice to look after mama well...


The 27 staples


all "kusyuk" watching horror movie


see mama eda's face


Afkar & niece shahirah


with bestis cuzin



For all who have support me & my family, thru words of encouragements & prayers, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

She's walking!!!

The epidural was off on the 2nd day in the noon. By evening mama in great pain. Paterdine was given. Subside a bit but pain still there. But she still can tolerate the pain.

On 3rd day she's walking! So happy!!!

4th day, she walks to the toilet to have her shower. The funny part when she walks back, the nurse jokingly asked if anyone gave her a towel or not. 'Cos she's sweating so much!!!!! hehehe.....

5th day, mama supposedly can go home, as what her consultant,Dr Chia SL, said. but she vomitting away so need to keep her for another day...

6th day, mama was packing away waiting to go home. I can just see in her face & eyes.....

With the rain still pouring, mama said, "Alhamdullilah. Harap2 hujan ini bawak rahmat buat mama untuk sembuh." Amin.....


After epidural was off


Ted stockings


Dressing was done

Mama op day (23 May 09')

Her op went fine. I'm proud of her. So much so dat i wanna cry. But of course, i keep it to myself. She able to turn when i wanna gave the bedpan & change her bedsheet. all this were done few hours after the op. I knew she's a strong woman! Love u mama!


Posing b4 the op



Still have the time to smile....


After the op...


Her bandage legs...

His 26th Bdae!!!!

Mama going for opration tmr. I just feel restless. I know she's scare but its the only way for her to cope with knees problem. It's my 1st time having mama "away" from home. When she's home, she'll be havig lots restriction in her everyday life until she's better in approximately 6-8 weeks. Well,thats what the surgeon told us. I dont know if i can cope. I mean, i'm 100% sure mama will get frustrated over lots of things she cnt do. I don't know if Syawal will ever be any help as wat he promised. Rama, i wonder if he will take leave 4 few days wen mama home. Mama ALWAYS has dis high expectation on me in looking after her after the op. & handling the wellbeing of the home. I don't want to dissappoint her but I don't want to pressure myself too. Its not dat i not working. I am. But......

Neway, Selamat Hari Lahir Sayang. Semoga hidup u selalu dirahmati & diberkati Allah. Thx for being a wonderful n understanding BF these 58ths. Though u can really annoy or make me angry at times.

Still I LOVE YOU...

58th mth!!!!

Bump with Dr. Vincent Tan. He's nice enough to ask bout my wellbeing. He wants to know when i'm clear from TB. So sweeeeeet! Hehehe... Actually miss working with him. Nice chap. But can be damn irritating...

Now my beauty sleep time. Sweet dreams Juli....

And Happy 58th mths anniversary Ayang....

Special Day Part 2

Yesterday went celebrate ayang's bday in advance. this was how our day goes....

Went to Sakura buffet @ Orchard shopping centre. The food was so-so. But otherwise ok. we enjoyed trying out the food n PLAYING with the food. Hahaha!


Him, giving me a big smile!



This is wat i meant by playing with the food...



N this too...

Then we went to watch 2 fast 2 furious 4. I can just see ECTACY hewas when i told him we watching that movie. Its like, cars and racing is his life... After that off we went to Marina Barrage. Was super humid bcos theres no wind at all!!!



We have eyes for each other, Only......


I'm loving him!


The day passed very fast. Without relising its night. Haizzzz.... When will we be meeting again. Miss u, Ayang....

Special Day part 1

On sat after sending syawal to werk, i brought mama to my fav spot. A spot tha'll always be in my heart. Tanjong rhu. Its just behind the Indoor stadium n overlook the bridge. Its my first time going there early in the morning. The scenery is magnificent! N if @ night, its calm N beautiful. N ROMANTIC. Azhar love to bring me there @ night. I have a dream. to have my main wedding picture with Azhar across the bridge. Its just beautiful. I really hope my dream comes true.. AMIN...


me n mama enjoying the view



mama hurrying me to snap bcoz of the morning sun. Haha!



mama posing



Condos @ Tanjong rhu. Mama says look lyk a toy houses.



The Bridge

Orchard

Went out with nurul & sha. The fact is i'm plain bored @ home. So wen boden asked me out, i said yes straight away. On the way meeting them, i got a seat in the train. This middle age chinese woman kept staring @ me. She thinks wat? That i will give my seat? FAT HOPE! Y cnt she STARE at the ppl who seatting @ priority seat? Y me? IDIOT!!!

She told me,not everything. But i get the picture & understand it all. Life always never meant for happy endings. And i believe its not for nurul. Her happy ending, i know, will be so much better than what she ever dream of. Neway, i'm just happy dat u dah ada kata putus. Pity seeing u hanging. Hang on, Prince Charming is on the way!!! (hahahahahaha!)

Neway, had great day. Eating, movie (17again), hanging out @tcc & buying bdae pressie for my colleague. Should go out again some day.

Hopes she speaks...

Just finished my last night shif. Its a relax week. Maybe coz its audit week. I dont noe.

Just read my cuzzin blog n saw her facebook profile. Without she telling me, I understands wat happened. Feel totally sad over wat happen. But still, I dont noe the whole story. So i cnt jump into conclusions. I understand y she doesnt wants me to noe. Wanted to ask but i scared she tinks other wise. The fact is i'm 1/2 crying now. I dont noe y. just sad, very sad.

Gerl, i STRONGLY believe ur a strong gerl. ur like a total mirror of ur mum, strong will n believe. Wateva it is u can make it though its hard.

I LOVE YOU,GERL...

Pressie, Pressie

Just started my perm nite last mon. Went smoothly. but had to do 3nites coz need to cover for my colleague on sunday nite. I dont know can tahan or not. But will try my best.



Next week gonna celebrate ayang bdae. I know he's been unhappy lately coz, lately, i've been going out frequently. Actually i went out to buy him his pressie. I wanna to celebrate his bdae in a way dat he enjoy it so much. Dat he forget his problems for just 1 day. Its hard, i know. But my heart just breaks wen everytime he tells his fear of his job.

Singles' Day Out!

Went out with group of my colleagues to Pastamania. First time ever all are SINGLE!!! No hubby, wifey, boyfy & kiddy. Except Sister Hoon brought her grandchild. Actually, I don't Feel like going out with ani one tonight. Just wanna go out n buy pressie for ayang then head home.

Nowadays i feel gloomy. Feel just wanna be alone. Without me relising, my mama told me i don't look happy sometime. Even Ayang said i gets angry quickly. But he always try his best to cool me off quickly too. I felt bad coz he himself having problem @ work. He always sound tired too. But he always make a point of calling me when he reaches hm from work & before he sleeps. He just told me last night that he feels comfort upon hearing my voice. Felt bad. Our relationship has gone thru ups & down but some how or rather, this is worst.

Just feeling scare. For our future, together. Maybe @ stalked too. Allah, please help us.....

Tawkey Wayang

Last evening went to watch theatre with mama. Nice show put up by Sri Warisan. The props n costume are perfect but definitely the theatre that i watched last year P. Ramlee the musical is much,much more better, can't beat that.

Later @ night i had long conversation with Lina. talk lots bout our wish n dreams of life. I hope she'll gets what she wants. Nway, what she said was true. I lost weight last year due to my TB. I was super skinny. I was happy then coz i loss so much weight to 55kg. My butt were small n i can easily wear S for my pants. But i was TOTALLY wrong. What i don't realise was that was my number 1 symptoms. Loss of appetite n loss of weight. n thats when i found a lump on my neck. Thought it was nothing. but getting bigger. still was ignorant bout it. Looking back i'm glad i listen to the ppl who cares bout my wellbeing. Though i had to go thru mentel torture of 6weeks waiting for the result,just to know its cancerous or not, i felt its worth waiting. Its only TB. N i'm glad its not in my lungs if not it'll cost my job.

It makes me all realise that my job IS dangerous if not taken well of. I can be infected with any disease thru my patients be it infectious or fatal. But then again, i love my job no matter what. No matter how sickening my patients or their relatives are. But at the end of the day, just 1 patient to say a simple thank you for me helping her/him pouring a glass of water will makes me happy n appreciated. N thats is enough for me. no need a compliment letter to have a green badge. Just a thank you will do.

Audits!!!

Yesterday was the internal audit @ my ward. Everyone was running away quietly coz u can see the counters r damn empty.. Haha! Well thank God i manage to excape coz i need to find one stupid old notes of a patient for this stupid impatient doctor. Idiot He have the cheek to tell me he need to have his lunch first cos he hasn't eaten all morning & expect to have the notes back when he's back. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid! Wat bout me? I too hasn't eat the whole morning. I always thought patient & visitors expect the nurses n doctors to be robots. Now the DOCTOR himself expect us to be robots too!!! well, heck care...

Neway, yesterday was not my day. Had very bad migraine when bout finishing my work. Cont to trob till wanna sleep despite having Panadol Extra & Anarex. Now the trobbing still there but ok la.

1week of lazyness

Suddenly i have this habit to COMPILE my story of few days in one day.....

Well,my leave is nothing special. A week of nothing to do. Here goes my story...

18March

Sent mama to ortho. checkup & most probly her op will be on 23April. Felt happy coz doc said mama can walk normally in bout 6weeks after op. Provided she has a strong will. Well mama is a strong woman. Not many people knows that. But sian coz i had plans ahead on the weekends. Its Ayang's Bdae b4 mama op day,tot spending whole day with him on 26th. Told ayang n he said can celebrate 1week b4 so i can look after mama after her op. SOOO SWEET... Love u dearie, Muaks!!!

19March - 20March

No events. Stay home n b lazy.

21March

HAPPY 56MTHS/ 4YRS 8MTHS, SAYANG....

22March

Had date with ayang. Went maulud @ Lina's house. Enjoyed it there. Miss joking & talking rubbish with her. Wish can stay longer but a date is a date. Been 1mth plus didn't meet him.
Everytime meeting ayang, i don't know why i became tachy n nervous. He never knew it. But i think he sense it coz he has the habit of looking straight into my eyes n not say a word. N d next moment he said he knows i be nervous when he did that. Glad our relationship still goes strong although we hardly meet.
Went Jurong Point survay the places. Then he drag me to Courts. We look around for home appliances as if we looking for things for our new home. A cute saleman came n show us the refrigerator, microwave & washing machine after learning that we 'JUST GOT MARRIED'. In the end ayang told him that we will come back later soz we need to THINK IT OVER 1st. We went out laughing. This is what i love bout him. He can play pranks with his super serious face. But never dared to do it on me.
Went home feeling EXTREMELY HAPPY after a whole day out with him.

22March

Back to work. Missed work actually. But hate it coz its morning shif. N felt super duper tired n sleepy..

N oh yah! There's no internal audit last week cos most probly this week. Suckers! thought can excape for once. Shit,not a thing of jCI things in my head. Great Juli, Just great!!!

A week of freedom!!!!

Yup is those week of happiness. No worrying oh hp ringing to come back to work. No thinking of which i/c i'm working with. No worrying of coming to work n think will i have F.O.N patients/relatives under my care. No thinking of my crazy Sisters come stalking my back to remember those JCI audits. Nthe WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL part is, i get to escape the INTERNAL AUDIT this whole week. WHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Crazy me. But enjoy it for once theres no need to think bout others but myself.

Well juli, enjoy it while you can... Peace!!

Long time no BLOG!!!

Well let me summarise from 7may till today....

• 7March

My off day. Its SATURDAY. No one ask me out. Ask any one. They don't want. Sian... stuck at home.

• 8March

My ANOTHER off day. Its SUNDAY. I'm getting crazy. Weekends off. Not going out. Even wonderful BF went Muar with his parents. By 2pm begging mama to go out. End up ask mama eda family for early dinner. Enjoy it alot went having family gathering.

Well there goes my WEEKENDS off!!!

• 9March

At last i think i appreciate working. Haha! Not i did not but what happen over the weekends. Before work Went to see my doctor for routine checkups. He felt the lumps n confirmed with me its shrunken LOTS. ECSTASY! He cuts down to 3meds now. Lesser torture for me. Next checkups in 2months time with blood test. I'm more worried of the blood test results than my lump getting smaller or not.

• 10March

Off Day. Mama TCU to National Heart Centre. The Consultant hear mama heart n positive sound ok. But sent her for a "squeeze in" slot of a 2D Echo which only took 15min of waiting. BUT i had to wait a TORTURING of 1hour 40mins of waiting outside of the room!!! It was crazy. 2 Radiologist kept on coming in & out mama room then a doctor came in. He went out & in again twice. Was worried sick. Called mama eda. then rama called. Both asked me to just go in & ask the doctor. But although i'm a nurse myself i don't want to interfere their work. I understand if THERE'S REALLY SOMETHING WRONG, the doctor will come & approach me. But after waiting for soooo long,the doctor explain mama heart is bit weak. If possible rest alot. But positive she can continue the opertion I'm glad to hear that. i just want to get all these thing done. Mama go thru alot. So if it's done, she'll be happy for sure coz can walk per normal again.

• 11 & 12 March

Work again Nil bad nor good things happen. Except of course STUPID patients/relatives dat do nothing but COMPLAINS... Shit them...!

• FRIDAY the 13March

Morning shift. VERY BUSY. My WONDERFUL i/c is so F*****G Lazy. Y oh Y i always get the lazy ones? Isit I'm lazy until i DESERVE them?? Oh Hack care!! Just work lorrr!

Happy B'Day Kak hani & Ashik!

I was lazy. Lazy to update all of the sudden. My cuzzin Wedding that was last sun went a breeze though a handfull ask those irritating ques, I just play dumb. Nway i was super busy. The groom sister ask a favour to 'look after' the kueh, i grab the chance. Coz i wanna kill the time n was super bored. It was fun though. A couple of my niece n nephew helped me lots.

When i had nothing to do, i just sit n people watching. It came to my mind if those people who came, will ever come to my wedding?? I always wanted a simple n small wedding where ONLY my parents siblings, kids & grandkids invited. Close friends of mine, syawal & my parents too. It"ll be fun bcoz i know who is coming for my wedding. If i were to listen to my mum, i thing 3/4 of the people, i wont know who the hack they are!!!

Oh well, stop pondering Juli!!! Ur life is always been a script to be followed! Haikzz...

28/2/09 (saturday)

I HATE COUSINS WEDDINGS!!!

Seriously coz all 1/2 of them do was to ask me the BONUS QUESTION. Wat isit? JULI BILA JULI PUNYA TURN? (juli wens ur turn?) JULI,SHIMA DAH NAK ADA NOMBOR 2, JULI BILA NAK KAWIN?(juli,shima coming to 2nd kid,wen u getting married?) JULI DAH ADA BOYFIEND?(juli u have bf already?). Suck big time!! It drag me to this kind of wedding. And the best part was my wonderful brother do is SMILE n LAUGH hearing all that comments.
Not that i'm being sensative but i just wish i can tell them off to just shut up n not to disturb my personal life. If i'm getting married, u ppl will be notify ryt? So shut up!!! But i cnt coz everyone there have this high respect on my rama(dad). He being the eldest son is suppose to be there for every weddings n functions. n we being his children, suppose to be the VERY good kids. Like, there suppose not to have any mistakes be known to them. If not my rama sure to have big embarraesment. So wat me n my bro do is to always keep a low profile of ourselves. Not dat we wanna be bad but its just we cant be ourselves ryt?
Well,in bout 10hours time,i'll be seeing them again. And pray hard they just ignore me completely.And the Best part, my wonderful bro is working n he kept on telling me good luck for tmr. thx hor little bro..!

27/2/09(friday)

Went out with colleagues to Sakuntala's. Me, Sukarti, Lina, Joanne, Jun & hubby, Sharan & wife & baby issac, Kak rul & daughter, Kak su & son, Sharifaridah, Dawn, Diana & BF and Sister Hoon. Hmmmm,how i wish ayang come. I love when ayang around when going out with my colleagues. Dono y. Mayb his precence make me feel complete.Alah emo plak aku ni... hahhahaha!
Nway, had n njoyable evening with them. Poor kak su,Rauf started to cry halfway. Sometimes i just wonder how my future child be like?
Baby issac was the centre of attraction that evening. though his parents were the ''SRAR KARAT'' all was forgiven after seeing him. He was passed around the table while his parents were eating. And he wasnt crying at all!!! Best kan!!! After LOTS of foto taking, chatting, GOSSIPING & laughing, we parted. Me n Lina took NEL to Outram n took cab from there coz we both tired n sleepy...
Hope we have more outing like this in future.. N hope ayang cn come next time round...

Another ordeal....

I was unable to update of wats happening yesterday bcoz i was sooooo tired n sleeeeepy. This was wat happened...

Right after werk, i waited mama n rama @ sgh blk 3 for mama PET(pre admission test). After registration, i followed mama 2 every test & xray she needed to go. Finally after 2hrs plus of walking around the hospital, we waited to see the Anaesthetist.
Again need to wait for Gods know when. And finally is mama turn. The doctor kept on asking mama if she has heart prob. My heart doesn't feel right. I know coz wen the doctor in my ward ask the same question over n over again,that means something not right.
So after hearing her heart MANY MANY times, he finally said the op must be postponed. We were quite shocked. He explained that my mum needed to see cardio doctors ASAP. Most probably Heart Murmur. I know its not that dangerous but the doctor said chances of that mama having heart failure/attack is higher during the operation table. Mama was so sad that she cried. I hate seeing her cry like that. It makes me wanna cry too. But i have to be strong for her coz i know she has high hopes on me getting thru these ordeal.
Ya Allah, y must mama go thru this???
Well i don't know wat came thru my mind. The first thing i reach home, i called my BF. I cried my hearts out. i keep on telling him dat i'm scared i'm not strong enough for all this. he came an idea of asking his mum to come over n have a talk with mama. I find it sweet of him but i not sure mama agreed or not. Well we see how.

That was what happened yesterday........

Ladies day out

Yesterday, mama eda, nurul, bibik manja, mama & me had a whole day outing/ shopping @ JB. Well these pics says it all.....



me & bibik manja




mama hates wen i force her to take pic but will ALWAYS end up posing! haha!




me trying my new hp on my cuzzin... cute?




see how these mother n daughter eats???

56th month....

He called few nytes ago. Talked for almost 4hrs. We pour EVERYTHING thats in our heart.

Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Depressed, Worried.
Then,
Love, Happiness, Hopes, Dream, Gratitude.
We cry & we laugh. We scold each other n we joke.

And today...
HAPPY 56th MONTHS ANNIVERSARY, AYANG....

Is it the END?

Its the last blow for him.

Dun tink he can take it nmore.

Silence for 2days oredi.

By sat, i tink, its OFFICIAL.........................

Depress? Worried?

I don't noe y i feel depress lately. I get angry & agitated VERY easily. My bf said maybe its due to me getting too worried with my mum operation next mth. Maybe yes. He's correct.

Whats happening to me?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, SAYANG...

New Hp!!!

Yesterday i bought a new hp. Sumsung F480. Really cool, small hp. It come with free hp cover. I choose the limited edition colour OLYMPIC GOLD! My1st tym trying outsumsung hp.
ok ok, its actually 'free' hp. i received a $300 voucher frommy mobile company n yesterday was the last day to get the hp. Why the last min? Coz it took me the WHOLE WEEK to choose a hp!!! hahaha!
Nway last nytmy bf suddenly talk bout buying a house. scriest part is, he wanna start looking from next year onwards!! sound fun but dunno i juz feel scared. Justwait n c. Time past SUPER fast. Dat scare me

Nenekku sayang...

Just went visiting nenek house. mama, nurul, mama eda, ayah zie were there. Rama came later. Nenek cooked a wonderful meal for us. Asam rebus, kacang panjang goreng, paru goreng (bought by me), telur goreng kicap, ikan assin & UDANG BESAR SAMBAL PETAI (but i ate w/o the petai of course). Fuyoh!!!!!! Power man my nenek cooking. No one can ever replace her cooking...

One of my cousin story came up. She's nt happy coz we didn't INVITE her to the recent picnic. Y must we do dat? I feel so angry with her. She never look for my mum wholook after n care for her needs since young. She ever say she feel greatful but does she ever show her greatfulness. What i think she need to change her attitude. Yes,its ok to be vocal. But must always think of others feelings too.

While we were chatting, mak long came. Long time we didnt see her or pak long. Or nathra. Funny y must she doesn't one to be close to any one of her cousin. Well just let it be. She getting married aniway. Hope it won't get any worse which i think it will. hahah...

Date with mummy love

Yesterday i went 4 my TCU. Alhamdullilah, the doc told me my lump is remarkably subsiding. n my "sickness" is improving though he's not satisfied dat much. So he cut down 1meds n 1 more in 2 weeks time.So happy!!!
Then after mama finished work i 'drag' her 2 TM to watch THE WEDDING GAME. pity mama coz she was freaking cold. So before the movie start,we bought a sweater lyk (which i duno hw 2 spell!!) which helps her alot!
Overall i feel happy. I feel HAPPY wen the people i love feel happy..

And today, i wasn't focus at all at work. thinking too much of my dearest problem. I just which i could do something to lessen his BIG burden...
Patience dear. Patience...

Teddy Bear!!!

Juz met my Dearest. After fetching me from my home, we straight went to shaw brothers where the Safra is. Tot going 4 a movie, but its actually showing SOOOOO many Hindi movies! hahahaha...... No wonder theres so many indians people around. So end up we watch Underworld:Rise of the lyncans @Shaw Bugis.
The whole day was felt with laughter & stupid jokes. Enjoyed every min of it.
Thanks sayang. Thanks 4 making me happy n understanding every step of my life..

3 Things

Just had a long talk with mama. 3 things: my sickness, my marriage & my parents going haj. I kept on feeling scared of my sickness. Until my sickness TOTALLY gone, my mind won't feel at ease. My marriage. I'm worried if he cnt save enough $$. I scared to even asked him. I know he tried very hard but its not enough. And 3rdly, the haj. I know my parents really want 2 go 2 haj. But they insistof me getting marry 1st.

Aiyoh.......... So stress....!

Picnic by the beach

26/1/09 we after a last minute plan,we, my family & my crazy cuzzin n family, manage 2 go to an unexpected outing 2 ECP. it was fun! Portable table,big tent,foldable mat(which no one end up sitting!), cycling(a must!) and a new game Jumping Jack!

Hope we have more of this CRAZY outings...!

me & nurul posing d mat

My wonderful parents

Afkar n Syawal trying out d Jumping Jack